Deeming Windows 9 'too good to release,' Microsoft execs shelve follow-up to Windows 8 and proceed to Windows 10
"The Windows 9 internal beta was a phenomenal success," said Microsoft PR rep Cheryl Tunt. "I mean, it blew Windows 8 out of the water, and as we all know, Windows 8 is nigh flawless. After discussion at the C level, Microsoft has decided it will not mess with success and will leave Windows 9 exactly as it is. As such, work is now getting under way on Windows 10, which should see a public release."
Details about Windows 9 are sketchy, but according to internal Microsoft communications obtained by InfoWorld, the OS was fast, intuitive, bug-free, and equally adept with both the Windows Desktop and Metro-style interfaces. "And who would've thought to put the Start button there?!? Genius!" marveled one engineer, though it's unclear where "there" is exactly.
Another engineer likened the OS to the Nintendo Entertainment System's Power Glove accessory, saying, "It's that good a melding of man and machine."
One email chain riffed extensively on how Windows 9 is like the sitcom "Seinfeld" in that it's "about nothing," but also because "there was that one episode where Kramer got the deli meat slicer, and he said he had cut slices of meat so thin, he couldn't even see them. Well, Windows 9 is so transparent, you won't even know it's there. Hell, I'm not even sure I used it!"
"Hey guys, if all this is true, then we can't release this [OS] to the public," one HR manager who had been CC'd on the emails declared. "We have to keep this internal and advertise it as a perk. You know: 'Come work for Microsoft, and you get to use Windows 9!'"
The decision to jump to Windows 10 was announced during an all-company meeting by Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, who took the stage in front of a banner reading "Mission Accomplished."
"You guys who make Windows are the backbone of this company!" an exuberant Ballmer claimed. "You've really outdone yourselves here. This is exactly the kind of perfection so synonymous with the Microsoft brand that we can't see fit to have it exist anywhere but within Microsoft. It's simply too good to be released. Now, onward with Windows 10! By the way, this meeting counts as your lunch break."
There was at least one beta tester who wasn't quite so dazzled. "Yeah, I tried out Windows 9," he told InfoWorld on condition of anonymity. "I dunno ... it's pretty good, I guess. It's not at all what they're talking about, though -- the engineers might be delirious from lack of sleep. I'm pretty sure the real reason we aren't going to sell it is because it's actually OS X."
Please note: This is an April Fools' joke.